I’ll Give You Something To Talk About

By: Gonzo

          For a while now, I’ve been a bit worried about my fellow Americans, and not for the reasons you might think. Sure, there are still people making lives difficult for other people, but something has disappeared. The talk show high we have been on since the late 80s/mid 90s, has dulled a bit.

            I can understand the argument behind the shows. People are still couch potatos, and it’s fun to look in on someone’s that isn’t as fucked up as your own, and watch them air their dirty laundry. Those people peeking in on these shows can take solace that while some family is letting a whole bone yard out of their closets, no one knows about the affair they might be having.

            The actual composition of these shows might actually cause retardation. The garbage stacks up deeper than the dirty dish pile at Marlon Brando’s house. Seriously, the people behind these shows are jonesing for ratings so badly they don’t care if they might actually hurt someone. These shows are to contentedness as Caley was to grass huts: Trouble. Let’s take a look at some of the guilty parties involved in this mess.

            Geraldo Rivera can actually still get work. Why? Well, I can’t be too hard on Geraldo. He did host a great comedy show once. Remember Capone’s vault?

            Donahue is back. I guess it is true about bad pennies returning. Maybe if he went back to the wearing the dress bit, his ratings would improve.

            That vile Sally Jessy Raphael is gone, and in her place is Jerry Springer, which is just Raphael on testosterone. Why does it seem like most of his actors/guests are all Southerners? I understand the South is a different country, and the people there are people of the Earth, but is Jerry so special these people can drag themselves out of their trailer parks to admit who Betty Sue is putting out for this week?

            Another fault I have with Jerry is the credibility of his show. I think most of what he has on is staged. In fact, I think most of these people are as fake as one of Cher’s orgasms. I’m sure some of it is real because there are a lot of seriously fucked up people in this country, but I mean as a whole. It seems like the main audience for his show is these guys who watch wrestling, and think they’re some tough ass because they bought a Slipknot CD. The women who watch act like they’re Ms. Thang, even if they’re white.

            Oprah. Why does she hate men so much? It’s no wonder why she’s a general in the Vast Army of the Unlaid. There was one skunky punk I had the misfortune of knowing who said about Oprah “She helps people.” What? How does that happen? You can kill everyone of your kids, go on her show, cry about, and she’ll give you an excuse for showing savage behavior.

            Let me tell you about Oprah. Notice how if you spell her name backwards it spells out “Harpo?” Tells you something, doesn’t it? How funny, and appropriate, would it be to see her with a co-host who comes out beeping a horn while walking across the set?

            As you can tell, I’m no big fan of these shows, but it’s only because their hosts’ and guests’ heads are emptier than downtown Miami during Oktoberfest.

            Don’t get me wrong. Not all talk shows are bad. I’m a big fan of talk radio, and I liked Mike Douglass, Joe Pine, and Alan Burke, but I drew the line at this midday, bored housewife, t.v. shit. There is one show that stays with me, though, that I actually liked. With great fondness, I remember that rabblerousing, fat load, publicity hound known as Al Sharpton being knocked out of a chair on the Morton Downey Jr. show. Those were the days, weren’t they? See? That’s what we need more of on these shows: A good knock-down, drag-out, pound-someone’s-ass-into-the-carpet fight.